IcEd CaRaMeL MarcChiAtTo

I have grown a lot. There are still new things to learn challenges to overcome. Seeing how I evolved will help me in the days to come. Change is much easier than it may seem at first.

ME - 2005

I DESIRE

"To grow more and more each day as a person. To never stop from being a better person and striving for Excellence in everything I do.
Let my heart be ready to listen to wise counsel and have understanding guide me that I may know what course of action to take in everything. Never let Sound Judgment and Discernment be out of sight and most of all always willing to be wrong to be right. Making most of everything never letting the past hold me back but let that be a catalyst to move forward and grow to be the person.

MY DELEMA

"Must intelligence and good looks be of bane instead of a virtue, must individualism be equated with rebellion and happiness seems to be in the horizon and never within reach."

MY STRENGTH

"..if at the end I have lost every other friend on earth I shall at least have one friend remaining and that one shall be down inside me.

ME - 2004

Simple, flexible, home buddy, sincere in relationships,
takes a lot to be thrilled, and always tries to go the
extra mile.
Not very vocal and expressive in terms of emotions making
me hard to decipher and also unpredictable. Always
emotionally on guard and often uses my "sausy tongue" to
mask what i really feel inside
Loves anything that has to do with automobile. Always wears
my hair short.
well, i could say I’m a little shy at first, but once i
started talking I’m never lost for words. I’m intelligent,
fun, loving and a joker at heart.
I’m not a big bar or club person, although i do go..

Less than a week before Valentine’s Day and the flower and chocolate shops all around Makati reminded me that I will not have someone special on the V Day. I am single still! Nobody has asked me out and I haven’t met anyone interesting for the past few months, so I have come to a decision to celebrate single-blessedness this entire month.

Come to think of it, I am perfectly okay alone. I have spent several months dating around and wondering if a relationship can actually develop, but now, I am just alone. Alone but not lonely. Why? Because I can be happy, truly happy even if I am single. In fact, I’ve decided to stay from the dating game, for now. I realized that for the longest time, I am either flirting around or dating, and I am quite tired of that. I also want to see if I can actually do it, you know, to stay away from the dating scene.

It’s quite ironic because my life was much simpler back then. Back when I was more at peace with myself. The time when I felt comfortable even though everyone is staring at me with pity. When questions such as “Why are you single?” isn’t that big of a deal.

The dating game has eluded me to take the time to pamper myself. I have spent a hefty long time looking for someone that special someone. I did meet a lot of very interesting individual. But all of this came with a prize. I seem to have lost myself in the whole process. I knew back then the edacity of my decisions. But I never thought it would be of this degree, once you are really there. Now I know that it’s true that you’ll never understand things unless you really been through it.

Pointing fingers will not change things. The most important thing right now is to make things right. I know the road would not be easy. But I have everyday and I have to make it count. Pathetic but I think that now is the perfect time to actually celebrate and think about me and only me. All year round I worry about my job, my family and basically everything about life. Holidays are not holidays because I end up fretting about gifts, food, and, well, more work.

Detaching oneself from the dating and social game is not an easy task. The craving of going out and partying is very hard to resist. But after being on the cycle of partying and dating for quite sometime, I want something more. My life has enough stories of fun filled parties and eye candy people I have dated. I have enough under my pocket.

It all boils down to that fact that I miss myself. I miss the person who is content and happy on what he has. At peace knowing that the things he is missing in his life may or may not come will not be the determining factor that would make him happy.

Frustration, something I hate most. When you feel you’ve had it like its right on top of your palm, right on top of your head, yet when the time comes that you need it so much, you can’t understand and can’t help but think why it didn’t turned out well. You thought its all going to be fine, yet the situation went berserk.

I’ve been down this road a couple of times. I’ve told myself countless times so stop! - stop being despondent about looking for my significant other, only to end up back to where I don’t want to be. It’s such a pity that in my great wit and skills in planning I seem to fail tremendously when it comes to my very own life.

I would be lying to say that I am completely over in hopes of finding that someone. As of this writing, it’s the very thing that crossed my mind. Nevertheless I have given this desire the power to control me. I have to make it work with me instead of against me. However, that is something that is a work in progress…

I can never deny the fact that it’s nice to be single. It ain’t that bad as well to have someone. Most especially to someone who has been solo all his life. But until that time comes that my other half would come. Life should not be mind-numbing; I can choose to be in high spirits. I know my emotions will soon follow.

Whatever difficulties may have arisen in my life over the past few days, I will have the power to overcome them, and will gain new strength from the process and move on. It is a long road to becoming exactly the person I want to be. I cannot change who I am. All I need to do is to get every input from the people around me and lessons from every bump in the road to contribute to who I am. I should be proud of myself, but also realize that there is a great deal more developing that needs to be done on an internal level. It’s very crucial to Meditate or just stick to me for a little while - go inward.

Life like
the earth has its seasons. Each once has its purpose, though I’ve never
understood why! Seasons come and go. Summer, Fall, Winter, then Spring then
back again to where it started.

There comes
a time in our lives where everything is going exactly how we want it to be -
Where all our bearings are in place on a firm ground. The sun is high up in the
sky lighting everything; no object can seem to hide from its rays making us see
crystal clear and answers are easily in reach, moreover, God is near and
present in our life. This is called Consolation.

There also
comes a time in our lives called Desolation. When tragedy strikes,
everything is chaotic, you cannot find you footing. And when deep darkness
surrounds you, when God seems to be far off. They say that in the midst of that
deep darkness the answer is there; somewhere? How long will it last? – AS LONG
AS IT NEEDS TO BE!!

“God is too wise to
be mistaken, God’s too good to be unkind

So when you don’t
understand, when you don’t see His plans

                                Don’t trace His hand – Simply Trust his Heart!”

i sit here clutching useless lists
and keys for doors that don’t exist
i crack my teeth on pearls
i tear into the history
just show me what it means to me in this world
i see the parts but not the whole picture
i’ve studied, searched and have tried to understand
do i trust my heart or just my mind
WHY IS THE TRUTH SO HARD TO FIND?

coz i am due for a miracle
i’m waiting for a sign
i’ll stare straight into the sun

i won’t close my eyes until i understand or go blind.

i know that there’s a point i’ve missed
a shrine or stone i haven’t kissed
a scar that never graced my wrist
a mirror that hasn’t met my fist
do i trust my heart or just my mind
WHY IS THE TRUTH SO HARD TO FIND?

i am due for a miracle
i’m waiting for a sign
i’ll stare straight into the sun

i won’t close my eyes until i understand or go blind.

Since the day i left you there

i lost my way
each time i close my eyes i think you

its now late too late too late for me to say
i’m sorry now
too late too late too late for me to go back

save the day
minutes, i know
why did you go

i’m feeling so low
and i wished to show you
that i changed
so please don’t go today

I know i know i know
What was i thinking?
i’m so sorry that i lost it all again
i know i fucked it up this time
just another chapter in this story life of mine

i know you don’t care what i say
should i ever try to make you listen
i know when i miss the time
just another chapter in this story life of mine

its too late too late too late
for me to say i’m sorry

i’m sorry+

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man you love but the man who loves you more.

The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. TO LET GO OF SOMEONE DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO STOP LOVING, IT ONLY MEANS THAT YOU ALLOW THAT PERSON TO FIND HIS OWN HAPPINESS WITHOUT EXPECTING HIM TO COME BACK. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness scare away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return.

But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves. You don’t have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself.

Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow: If you lose love that doesn’t mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make it sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though EVERYTHING IS A MIRACLE.

Lets admit it, We love being admired especially when its coming from our peers, but more often than not such instances never come as often as we would have liked it to be. We are only offered few instances or even for some a rare luxury if they do get one. This instance usually is apparent during birthdays.

Technology, in its vast influence in our lives has added to the "I-like-me-and-so-does-everybody-else" moments. And would you believe it only is at the click of your fingertips. This tool is called “Friendster!”

Friendster is the ultimate networking tool. All you need to do is sign-up, create a profile, post your profile add people to your friends list. Then in an instant you’ll be linked your friend’s personal network, which is linked to that his friends personal network and so on. A very nifty tool and most of all its free!

A nifty tool indeed it serves as an antidepressant to people who have the Monday syndrome on the way to work or for some the so-called “one-of-those-days” sinking ship feeling. Friendster’s perks is its testimonial section. I would call it the wonder drug without a prescription needed. As I go on browsing to people’s testimonials all I could see are words of praise and admiration. It’s a perfect stimulant to a person’s dull and stale state.

Nevertheless, no matter how “wonderful” this igneous tool can be it also begets a few side effects. For such tool can bring out the best in us, or the worst in us.

Friendster emphasizes the Popularity game we love playing. We never seem to get tired of playing a game that does not even reside any lasting value.  Friendster feeds the very desire of our own selfish intent to be “cool” and “in”.  It’s a race to reach the maximum of 500 friends in one’s personal network. Not considering the fact that most of the people are complete strangers – number of friends is proportional to your coolness. Quantity is emphasized and has nullified quality. But given the situation, what gain is it really in us if we out number other people on the number of stamp size picture on your page?

If Friendster is the perfect placebo for the insecure and miserable, it’s the worst drug you could give to the self-absorbed and self-centered, lest you amplify their narcissism with testimonials overflowing with praise. They might forget completely that they’re not perfect, which is really the problem with Friendster. It creates a community that presents people void of their flaws, and it’s hard to see how friendships can last without the knowledge of the shortcomings of one’s supposed "friends."

As in the ultra-baggy pants of years gone by, Friendster might just be one of those many fads. However long its popularity lasts, it’s good to remember that such things as nifty networking gadgets like Friendster offer only a mere glimpse of what friendship is all about, because true friendships can’t just be written down and posted as testimonials.